Finding Faith

Lately, I have been reflecting on life and faith. The podcasts that I have been listening to recently have awoke something in me that has made me step back and question my reality. Though I like to think I am in a constant state of exploration, I do find that at times I am struck with something so profound that I just have to revel in it for a moment longer. For instance, I was listening to a podcast that spoke about religion vs. faith and religion vs. spirituality from a Catholic nun’s perspective.

Sister spoke of how she does not put her faith in religion; she does not serve for religion’s sake. She serves for spiritual growth and discovery. She does not have a male or female God, nor a God that is only restricted to one religion. Her God is everything in life and existence; everything visible and invisible; everything inside of her and inside of everyone. I found this podcast to be particularly eye opening.

I grew up Catholic and was set on a strict routine of mass every Sunday at 7:30am and then church school at 10am. Additionally, I was an alter server for 13 years alongside my siblings. This way of life was ingrained in me. And that was okay. But now I am older and living on my own. I get to set my own routine, and despite my parent’s reminder of attending church and participating in religion, I find myself backing away.

I have not gone to church in 5 months and before that, it was 6 months. When asked why, I respond with what I genuinely feel, which is that my faith is inside me. It is in my prayers and my relationship with my God and my Lord. I did not mean for my faith to develop into this routine which is outside religion, but it has, and honestly, I really like it. I do not feel criticized for living my life, nor do I feel involved in the suppression and disdain of minorities. Instead, I feel love and light and hope. This is not to say that religion isn't important and discredit all that it serves for. It is simply my journey with my faith and how I am finding my way.

I heard another podcast that was of a pastor who had to step up after the passing of his pastor father. He spoke of fear and his own spiritual growth through this time. It was inspiring to hear him talk about how God loves you more after your mistakes, because sometimes I find religion to be quite intimidating with the talk of sin and repent. But instead, filling my mind with the idea that I am loved, that my relationship is tendered with my mistakes has been very settling. Faith is a relationship with our own God. This is more important to me than religion.

It is strange, as I didn’t see this part of myself developing. Being “forced” to go to church made me want to push away and I never thought that I would return or be a person of faith. But here I am. I use my faith as a tether to my soul - it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that life is precious and that I have a lot to be thankful for. I don’t know how many days I have, nor how many days my loved ones have, but with faith I can remember to be my best self and to offer love.

I know I am not perfect, and I will continue to grow and develop my faith, and who knows, maybe one day I will make a return to church, but for now, I know that the way I am living in my faith is something that fills me with gratitude and hope. And really, that is all that I can ask for as a twenty-something who has no idea what her future entails and who has felt hopeless and fear in each day. Faith has truly aided me.

- Abbie