The End.

Journal Entry 1

The start of a new year is traditionally the time to refresh, re-brand, revamp your life. It’s a time to set goals and resolutions. To grow into a better version of yourself. Or so I thought…

January 1, 2019. This year was not a time for wishful thinking. This year was not exciting, nor filled with celebrations. This year I spent trying to distract my thoughts from the inevitable. This new year was haunting, as we all knew it meant there was going to be a big change - we just didn’t know when, or how soon.

Watching a loved one suffer is unlike any pain I have felt before. We were at a point where love did not mend, nor prayer, nor medicine. Feeling helpless was uncharacteristic. Fear settled in and sadness became my comfort blanket. Our worst nightmares were playing out right before our eyes. We were bystanders. Watching, growing sadder; watching, growing weaker; watching, growing numb.

January 8, 2019. Numbness shattered into passionate heartbreak. The world beyond my eyes was a constant blur; tears were flowing at a pace that seemed inhuman. My heart physically ached, as if the past 15 years of memories were stored in this beating organ. Why? Why? Why? This question was always on my mind. Why now? Why us? Why him? WHY?

The back of my mind would remind me of the stages of grief. I would tick each stage off as it would come and go. As the list narrowed, I thought maybe there would be a sensation of relief at the end. But grief wasn’t that simple. Anger and sadness were playing a game of tug of war. Back and forth, back and forth. My mind was filled with pictures of pre-disease, post-disease, and every detail in between. The images flashed by; the memories flowing as quickly as my tears. How am I going to get through this? The simple answer - I’m not.

There are things that no longer mattered - my work, my appearance, small talk, cooking, cleaning, and the list goes on. My life felt different. I had no energy to put into my daily tasks. I wanted to curl up into a ball and rest until I no longer ached, no longer cried, no longer felt. My life was forever changed and I lost all control of who I was.

When you lose someone, you may think of all of the time you had with them and all of the things they enriched your life with. I got 15 years of love, happiness, and health. 15 years of safety, comfort, and kindness. 15 years of friendship, loyalty, and laughter. 15 years was not enough time. It will never be enough time. Fuck time.

March 8, 2019. Two months have passed and life as I knew it is gone. My life is now measured in before and after his passing. He was and will always be a huge part of my childhood and young-adulthood. Deep within I know the love I feel towards him will never perish. I will never let him go. He will forever be a part of our stories. He will live on forever in our thoughts. He was amazing and I promise to never forget him. Rest in Peace, CSC.

-Abbie